That's a bargain, b*tch

Playlist

"I am stunting and flossing and saving money and I’m hella happy. That’s a bargain, bitch, I’mma take your grandpa's style. I’mma take your grandpa's style, no for real, ask your grandpa. Can I have his hand-me-downs?"

- Macklemore, Thrift Shop

Thrift Shop - Macklemore
(Quoted above) A true homage to the emergence of hipster culture into the mainstream, and to the economic downturn. Everybody loves a bargain. Thanks, Macklemore, for bringing art back into the realm of the every day. You are truly the Degas of our time.

As Long As You Love Me - Justin Bieber
The reality here is that love does not make up for poverty or hunger. Let's be real, Justin. Also, you are 12. But clearly this is not your first rodeo, as your song Baby debuted at #5 on the Billboard "Hot 100." Justin, this song, which you wrote when you were actually 12 (maybe?), includes the lyrics "I'll buy you anything. I'll buy you any ring." Don't be stupid Justin, you're 12 and shouldn't be buying rings for anyone. You are too young for marriage. 

Give Me Everything Tonight - Pitbull
Pitbull sings: "Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey, give me everything tonight." Can you imagine doing that? In a club or something? Walking over to somebody you think is cute, grabbing them, and saying to them "Give me everything tonight." Can you imagine that working? What would that even mean? Though I guess we're in a similar realm here as Nelly when he says "It's getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes" to which his lady friend replies "I am getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off." Really? She's totally down. She even re-states his mandate as if it's her idea. It's interesting.

Ignition- R Kelly
Another winner. Mr. Kelly sings, "Sippin on coke and rum, I'm like so what I'm drunk. It's the freakin' weekend baby, I'm about to have me some fun." Yes, R Kelly. whatever, you're drunk, go have fun. It's the weekend!

Tik Tok - Ke$ha
And it's hard to know where to begin with Ke$ha. The truth is that it becomes more unbearable to me every day that I do not have a dollar sign in my name. Furthermore, Ke$ha's use of one of my favorite words - crunk, and her reference to "boys tryin' to touch her junk" make her untouchable (!) in my book. Not that I endorse boys trying to touch anyone's junk willy nilly, I just enjoy a good reference to one's "junk" every once in a while.

Sexy Bitch - Akon & David Guetta
Getting back to basics, the song that really brought me to my current love of mainstream hip-hop. It's really phenomenal; the premise is that this woman he knows is really hot, and he's trying to describe her without being "disrespectful". He's unsuccessful, though I can't imagine that he's really trying that hard. As he explains, "she's nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore". Classic, Akon. But also, you can do better.

Two Reasons - Trey Songz
The morning after I posted this I woke up at, I kid you not, 6:30 AM thinking, oh no! I forgot about Two Reasons! I proceeded to sing the winning (and practically the only) line in my head on repeat - "I only came here for two reasons, I can't lie. I only came for the bitches and the drinks." Interestingly, having only heard it on the radio, I thought the lyric was "I only came for the ladies and the drinks" which I feel a little better about. Either way, it's worth a mention, and given that my attempts to incorporate the song into my everyday life have been largely unsuccessful*, here it is.

++++++

I work as a nanny and mostly, I love it. Nothing's perfect, but spending lots of time with kids and getting to sleep in is a pretty good deal. I also have the great good fortune to have at my disposal my family's 2000 Toyota Sienna or, as it's become known, the Family Van. No swearing or disrobing in the Family Van. Just kidding, that's pretty much all that happens in there. From time to time the Family Van and my work come together in a magical car ride I like to call "Wait, are those your kids because you look a little young but your hair is disheveled enough that you could be their mom." And one time some kids honked at me as I drove along in the Family Van- clearly some type of Electra-complex situation. The other day, driving my kids back from school, one of them said, "I bet that people looking at you driving think that you're a mom." I started laughing hysterically and said "I bet you're right." I was laughing, I think, because it was either that or the tears. The kids were laughing, I think, at the idea that anybody could mistake me for a mom. Laughable.

I do like to keep things fresh though. I mingle with the youth from time to time, and I try to keep the Family Van's radio tuned into Movin' 99.7 (All the hits!). In the interim I try to keep a sense of humor about the way I spend most of my time, i.e. as a mom/minivan driver. I do things like the Family Van paper-cut above, and wearing my recently inherited maroon velour workout suit from my grandfather. I wore it out once as a joke, but the fun wore off pretty quickly and I felt trapped. Lesson learned.

*Once I sent a group message to a few of my good friends (I have recently discovered group messaging, much to the dismay of my loved ones), one of whom (Nick) is a tattoo artist, containing the following: "Will you support me if I get a tattoo on my lower back that says 'I only came here for the ladies and the drinks.' Also, Nick, will you do a tattoo for me?" The message was largely ignored (appropriately), except for one response, from Nick; he wrote "Yes. And yes." Another time, I went on a first date and when my gentleman friend started a sentence "I used to come here..." I finished it "for the ladies and the drinks?" He said, "Well, I came with my mom, so I guess I came here with a lady." He didn't get the reference.